It Might Not Be Such A Bad Idea If I Never Go Home Again


“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” ― Heraclitus

I broke up with my girl and have been going through it. I thought I found love but once again I was foiled by this wicked thing called loved. So I decided I needed to get away. I booked a guy’s trip to Portland to wander on trails and recenter my energy.

So while the rest of the industry is at Art Basel or HennyPalooza I am in Portland thinking of new ways to better myself. I have a successful show on GlobalGrind called Extra Butter that racks up millions of views on YouTube. I host a successful movie screening series called Xilla Movie Party but my personal and love life are in shambles. Too many people make more money than me, too many people have happy relationships. So I am going to get more. I am going to get better. I also needed a break.


That’s what sparked this City Guys In The Woods trip to wander in through the numerous trails the great state of Oregon has to offer. One of the waterfalls near Portland called Multnomah Falls has a great Native American history to it. It’s said that a Native American chief created it when his princess wanted a private place to bathe. I am going to hike to the top of the falls to meditate, recharge and reset.

There is something about the energy that rushes through your body when you’re in nature. Sidebar Pete drives too fast it scares me. Matter of fact I’ll let you in on a little secret I’m scared of almost everything. I startle easy but I am not afraid to overcome my fears. I’m scared of other people’s dogs but I love dogs I often ask to pet stranger’s dogs, but I digress. Peter also drives and while using his phone, that’s why he purchased the edited version of Smoke Dza’s album when he has an Apple Music subscription. I don’t understand that logic, but you know opulence.

Pete has been there to offer inspiration and encouragement for me to get out of this funk and I’ve been trying to offer him inspiration as well because we are both lost in this thing called love. As he would say he is two steps behind me trying to look for direction. So yeah Portland, Oregon is tasked with helping to heal the pain from rejection that is making us feel like the walls of life are closing in on us and the walls are not padded. Yet for me, it’s driving me to feel like I should be locked in a padded room confined in a straight jacket. That’s what love will do to you if you’re not careful.

Heartbreak and success is a toxic concoction that will have you behaving in ways that don’t meet the standards of who you are. Sure it’s ok for a man to cry but no man want to be crying over a woman, let alone the woman he loves. Pete told me in life you’re supposed to take care of the ones that love you. It’s a great point but we both wonder how come they claim to love us yet fail to take care of us when we do the same. Love is a one lane road with traffic going in both directions and you’re either going to have to crash or get out the way.

There is a change coming. Let me rephrase that, there is a change happening right now, not just to me but to all of us. That is why no man can ever step in the same river twice, we are constantly changing by learning new things, experiencing new things and transforming every moment of our lives. We have no choice but to rise to the occasion and grab what’s out there for us. Anything less is suicide. David Foster Wallace said “You will die a thousand times before they finally plant you,” I’ve lost one of my lives when my girl left me. Losing someone who is the prototype for your type, someone who love is so intense it makes it’s what a crackhead must feel when he first inhales the smoke from that rock. An instant addiction that forces you to crave her and be willing to destroy yourself for another second of the bliss she brings. Even though you know deep down in your heart she’s horrible for you.

It hurts too much to think about loving someone else other than her so I am venturing into the woods to feel a new energy. This journey is my AA meeting. It’s a removal from the norm, a removal from the fast life. It’s been refreshingly rewarding experience that has given me new things to smile about. It’s giving me hope that tomorrow will be a little better than the day before.

This is really turning out to be a good recharge. I will never go 10 years without a break again.

cgitw1This is the first small stream we crossed on Maple Trail in Forest Park Oregon.

cgitw2There is a small bridge you can cross that loops you around the to the next part of the path. These Merrell kick we got really came in handy because we needed the traction from some of the muddier parts of the path.

cgitw3Tidal works in the woods. Who hikes while listening to the Lox, D.R.A.M. and Drake? I do.

cgitw5This trail was listed as Moderate, parts of the trail were harder than some but this really felt great.

cgitw8There are these great little creatures in the woods, I was looking for an Eagle, but I only ended up seeing a couple of Black-headed grosbeaks flying around in the bushes.

cgitw4My camera skills are nice!

cgitw6I took a quick moment to reflect on things. Think about how to get better, how to overcome the small obstacles in my life. This moment of clarity really helped. It reminded me that we are just small specks in the grand scheme of the world who are capable of great change.

cgitw7All portions of life are meant to be celebrated.

cgitwPhotos by Pete Monsanto/FlyLifeImages

1 Comment

  1. Yolanda Smothers says: Reply

    I m sorry I spoke out of me off the cuff. Forgive me Father. You are at that place where you get the opportunity that many don’t explore… to see God. In that entire piece you lamented about her being the “type”, thus giving God a hearty chuckle, because to tell God something is “perfect” means there is another on the throne of your heart. All your listed accolades are insipid aren’t they. That love is a special thing… Love thy God with all thy heart. You want him now… oh yes you do that is why you sought solitude… God is in those still small places. Lament and list his attribute to of why He is so wonderous and he’ll blow your mind about what a perfect love is, and if she is that “one”, she will be even better. And I know that is hard for you to believe but God don’t draw you nearer to him without having a blessing in store for them that seek him. You can quiet your thoughts and torments of her by simply praising him and somehow that anguish and agony decipate. A pic says a thousand unuttered words that the heart cannot express. Been there and done that… Thank you Father for the opportunity of correction.

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